The Naked Chef
by idioticonion
Summary: In "The Duel" Season 1 Marshall told Ted an important fact about Barney that has never been explored and Ted has probably forgotten by now. This is silly, fun and fluffy. AU - Set after S04 Not a Father's Day


"…and so he offered to cook us all dinner!" Ted announced, a little smugly.

"You're letting _Barney_ cook us a meal?" Robin snorted, sipping her wine.

"Yeah, what's he gonna cook? Baby seals?" Marshall asked.

"Marshall!" Lily chided him. "Ew!" She shook her head and then smirked. "Most likely something like _rats_! Or spiders!"

They all laughed at Ted's scowl. "No. No! He said something about… it was in French!"

"Well, what did it sound like?" Robin asked.

"Um… cer- something. Cervelle? Chavelle?"

"TED!" Robin exclaimed. "That's _brains_!" She looked horrified.

"Ew, Hannibal Lecter cooked brains!" Ted said.

"Yeah, but the guy donating them wasn't even dead yet." Marshall pointed out.

"I'd better get up there and check…" Ted said, rising before he'd even said the last word and scrambling over Robin to run out of the bar.

Marshall chuckled, finishing his beer.

"Cervelle really IS brains." Robin said, then noticed Marshall's expression. "What..?"

Marshall smiled enigmatically. "Believe me, brains are not the only thing Ted's gonna have to worry about when he gets up there."

---

Ted was a little out of breath when he burst in the door of the apartment he shared with Robin.

"Barney!" He shouted, making his way quickly to the kitchen. "You're not-" Ted screeched to halt, his sneakers sliding on the kitchen tiles and he flailed around by the hatch. "Oh. My…G-"

"Hey Ted," Barney said brightly, turning around.

"Barney, you're- you're-"

"A bit swamped right now, if you wanna lend a hand, Bro?"

"You're _naked_!" Ted's eyes were practically on stalks. After a beat, he collected himself enough to yank his gaze away from Barney's… nether regions, and he shielded his eyes. "You. Are. Completely. Naked."

With his back to the stove, Barney twirled a spatula around in his fingers, chuckling. "You're point, dude?"

"What the…? How the…? Barney, WHY?"

Tapping the utensil on his chin, Barney took on the aspect of the patient school master which was irritating enough under normal circumstances but right then was bordering on the psychopathic. "Ted… ah Ted. I _always_ go bare pickle. It's the only way I roll!" He sniggered. "Besides," He continued chirpily. "It's practical."

"It's _practical_!" Ted asked, incredulously.

"Yeah! You think I'd ever get anywhere near a stove in my best three-piece? And-"

And- what? I don't want to know, do I?" Ted felt his jaw dropping as Barney turned around to lean over the hot, sizzling stove to stir something and Ted winced involuntarily.

"I'm glad you asked." Barney continued. "You really need to keep up with my blog. Cooking is the twelfth most exciting thing that you can do naked. "

"How is _that_ exciting?" Ted's coughed. The words had come out at a usually high pitch.

Barney suddenly turned back to him, rather over-dramatically, and said: "The _danger_!"

"The danger?" Ted coughed.

"Ted, you have not lived until you've tried to stir-fry naked. Believe me, it takes the steady hands of a surgeon and the bravery of a lion tamer!"

Ted shook his head helplessly. It was by far the most crazy thing he'd ever heard Barney say, until-

"So if you're going to stay in my kitchen, you need to take off your pants."

---

"Besides, Barney can't cook." Lily was saying.

"Oh, he can cook!" Marshall insisted.

"That's where you're wrong! He didn't even have any food in his kitchen for the entire I lived with him, until I bought some. And even then, I was the one that cooked it." Lily countered. "Burn!" She laughed. "But not literally."

Marshall grinned, watching the two girls carefully as he finished his beer. "Just because he doesn't cook, doesn't mean he can't. I know for a fact that not only can Barney cook… but he only cooks naked!"

Lily and Robin stared at each other. "Naked?"

"Yep."

Lily thought Marshall looked rather smug.

"No way!" Robin argued.

"Well, don't take my word for it!" Marshall said, raising an eyebrow and gesturing upwards, towards the apartment.

As one, the three of them got to their feet.

*--*--*

The incredible aroma that assaulted them when Robin opened up the door to the apartment was enough to make them all sigh in universal hunger. But Lily and Robin were far more interested in the man in the kitchen than what food he was preparing. So they dashed straight to the kitchen, neither of them really believing that Marshall was right until they saw not one but _two_ completely naked men standing there. Both their jaws dropped simultaneously. Marshall desperately tried to put a hand over each of their faces but both girls swiped him away.

"TED!" Lily exclaimed, causing Ted to jump, turn around and frantically try and cover his groin with a towel.

"Please!" Lily laughed. "It's not like you've got anything we haven't seen before!"

"Hey!" Ted said, mortified. "HEY!"

"Ted, I shared a bathroom with you for six years. Please." Lily looked like she was about to burst into hysterics.

Robin was staring at the both of them, open mouthed. "How…" She said, shaking her head. "How did he get you to strip, Ted? I mean, I'd expect it from _him_ but... _you…_!"

"It just happened so quickly, so- Oh my god!" Ted gulped and pushed past them in the tiny door-space, hurrying out of the kitchen.

Lily went to follow him but Robin pulled her back.

"Barney…" Marshall said warningly. "If you don't put your pants on right this minute… Well, I've still got two slaps, remember?"

Barney turned around, naked and unashamed. If anything, he seemed to be flaunting it. He walked right up close to Marshall, staring him out, despite the fact that his friend towered over him and was, well, a lot more _clothed_. Lily clamped her hand across her mouth to stop herself laughing and Robin was practically choking to hold it in.

"Okay. Marshall. Go ahead. Slap me!" Barney said, sneering. "But if you do, you will miss out on the best pan fried kobi steak in Manhattan!"

"Pan fried?" Robin said, impressed. "Really?"

Marshall found himself laughing. "Okay, sounds good. And perhaps it'll be worth it for seeing the look on Ted's face alone. But only if you promise to get your clothes on before you serve up?"

Barney shrugged. "Nyah… It's a deal. When the heat's off, the fun's over anyhow. Now can you leave me in peace?"

"C'mon Lil. We'll leave the naked chef to his work." Marshall said, pulling at Lily's arm.

"Mmmph?" His wife said, until she was physically dragged away, leaving Robin standing alone in the doorway. She stayed there for a while and watched Barney as he turned back to the stove, dextrously handling the hot pans and controlling the heat and nimbly avoiding a spray of hot fat.

"Looks difficult," She said, with grudging admiration.

"It is," He smirked. "Of course, it's harder for the ladies."

"Cooking naked?" Robin tilted her head to the side, leaning casually against the fridge. "How do you figure that? I'd have though a burn on the… you know what… would really hurt?"

Barney chuckled - a low, dirty laugh. "The stove is too high for that. You've only really got to watch it when you open the oven door." He gave her a challenging glance. "You know, you should try it? I bet you really want to now you've see how awesome it is?"

Robin smiled a secret smile.

--

The meal really was excellent. Even Ted seemed to get his appetite back when he tasted the steak.

"We should do this again sometime," Lily said, sipping the luxurious claret that Barney had bought to go with the steak.

"No-" Ted interjected, a little too vociferously.

"At least you put your clothes back on for dinner," Lily interjected.

Ted sat in silence, obviously not knowing entirely where to look.

"Puts a new meaning to the phrase 'Barney's tasty meat'!" Robin offered.

Everyone groaned except Barney, who wanted a high-five.

*--*--*

Later…

"Ow!"

"Stop wriggling, it's only a tiny burn, Robin."

"That really hurt! Ye god, that stings!"

"C'mon! Stop being a baby. I got you out of the way before you could have done any real damage."

"By tackling me to the floor?"

"I couldn't have you ruining those perfect boobs now, could I?"

"Your floor is really hard, Barney!"

"He he he. Hard."

"Barney!" Then Robin sighed. "That's better."

He kissed the tiny mark where the hot fat had splashed her.

"You really think my boobs are perfect?"

"Hmmmm…"

"That wasn't an invitation!"

He looked suitably hurt so she smiled and gently pulled him back down towards her.

"You know, there might be something in this naked cooking thing." She said, musingly.

"You wanna do it again some time?" He mumbled, his lips attached to her skin.

"Yes chef…" She giggled, before moaning in delight. Oh yeah, she certainly would!


End file.
